Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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