you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
