So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
