Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
