matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Randomize
