so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
