She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
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Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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