it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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