White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
