I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i think i have two assholes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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