Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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