I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
