really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ugly people sure do ruin things
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
