I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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