I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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