Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
