I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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