the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
