Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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