There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sorry my hands just texted you
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
