Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
