somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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