im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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