Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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