just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
