you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
