The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
