make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
