New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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