Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
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