it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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