The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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