His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
