Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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