i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
