I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
