She is in my trunk
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
God, I missed his penis.
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