The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
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How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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