If that was your dad, he is hot
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
