Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
