she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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