You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
