the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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