you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
