Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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