I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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