my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
