My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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