I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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