I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
