Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
