I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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