I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
