listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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