Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
