Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
